I felt like my last 3 years here in Athens is filled with xenophobia, racism and "good people" who took so much space in my inner world. The realization of lack of being a subject here is an elephant in the room since the half of the city is immigrant. My fears are endless: What if some took so much space in Queershallah? What if academicians question people with with disturbing questions? What if I experience xenophobia here and for being polite, I can’t express it. Because all the xenophobia that I experienced came from people close to me. And most of the time I couldn’t even realize that moment and when they left, I cried and couldn’t expressed it later. What if an immigrant reproduces all those, judge me and talk with me with bias? What if I take up too much space? Because I need to talk and to be heard. I feel like I'm in a cycle that keeps me silent for so long.

Yes, we all have advantages and disadvantages. When I say “POC”, some say “we have same color”, or they are also “POC” in some European countries. But if you don't have awareness of your privileges in this country, this is opening a door to all the right-wing behaviors. And since "Free Palestine" movement is spread and supported here: people are interested with the east. But even innocent questions or comments can hurt. Like every-time you met with a woman you won't ask "have you ever been sexually abused?" but people asking immigrants that they just met “why are you here?" or "how was the refugee camp?" and sometimes they gave answers to their own questions like “oh you are here for the sea, the sun, the sand” or comments “if I were you I wouldn’t come here", “this country is racist”. Meeting someone turns into an interrogation for me. I feel like I'm at a border, or in front of a police officer, trying to find the right answers for being an acceptable alien. And I also met with immigrants who do this "intention" questioning too.

If I'm going to an NGO to get information but the NGO worker is asking me many questions off topic, just because their curiosity. This is the same experience: me going psychologist to get help when I was in my 20s and all the therapy session turning into an education session of me explaining LGBT words. The problem here is you are taking money (with using me) and adding this experience to your CV. Meanwhile my university degree seen as a piece of paper, I’m doing the shittiest jobs, and my ability is constantly questioning. As well as my political position, my level of feminism, my intention - if I'm a good foreigner or a bad foreigner - If I'm a tourist or refugee - If I have a sad enough story or not. And some even giving advice or testing my language level or judging me and saying that I will adapt one day.

Adapt to what, the society that you can’t even fit in? And what if I don’t want to fit into your society? What if your dreams are not my dreams? What if I was a troublemaker in my country? What if my eastern roots, where I came from has some advantages - empowering practices? What if I don’t need an education? What if I’m coming from a political culture, a powerful queer movement? What if, throughout my activism, Europeans have asked ridiculous questions like "What is it like to be Muslim and gay?" and we have set up special groups in our movement to eliminate these people. What if, during the best days of our lives - documentaries were secretly shot to "save us"? And we have always been skeptical of European ideals and methods of struggle. What if my chosen family structure was not “nuclear” but a crowd, a political tribe?

It took me 3 years to understand that people seeing me as someone coming from "underdeveloped country” and people from underdeveloped countries seek for queer heavens according to them – and Athens not one of them. So, they had to convince me, warn me – against fascism (that they believe they are not contributing.) My heaven was Istanbul 2007-2015 that we created as a community, not an EU ideal – not a service given me by any political party or government. And I have fallen from it with the fall of global human-rights institutions and raising authoritarian regimes. As a political subject: I feel lost and am trying to find a way through my memories, my dreams, my anxieties, my ideals, my community scattered around the world, and my fight.

I also witnessed a lot of patronizing behaviors using therapy language. I think "therapy first" approach is white, capitalistic and individualistic. People's boundaries sometimes feel like borders. If I need a hand on my shoulder, where can I get, If I’m angry towards xenophobia where can I express, If I would like to write a political thing where can I write? And please God: how do people flirt in this country? If you are asking me: “community first” instead of "therapy first". And a community is not a friend group - Because a friend group can be another dysfunctional system. Examples are in our queer childhood memories. And years later, here in this country I turned back to those memories so many times. I felt excluded and questioned myself “is this really happening or am I feeling like that because of my queer childhood memories?”. Our loneliness is political.

I dream a community with compassion, ethical values, awareness, and a struggle against xenophobia, racism, colonialism and homo-nationalism. A place to be comfortable and uncomfortable. Challenging, full of complex human behaviors, traumas. Because we immigrants are full of trauma, complexity and imperfection, cultural and political differences, a serious class issue, a rage and grief. And we don’t need a gentrification towards our emotions from a western eye. I’m sick of people talking about fascism or colonialism like it is somewhere else, I’m sick of slogans such as “refugees welcome” while I’m not feeling welcomed in practice. Just like we all can be homo-transphobic, we all can be racist, xenophobic and colonialist. I hope we will have a chance to stop this cycle, grow and support each other. In this direction let’s be aware of our privileges and share our power for opening spaces for the ones speaking less. Let’s know the difference between being an ally and saviorism. The difference between a savior over an ally is when the focus is on you, rather than the people that you are helping. And be sure that your helping is a mutual aid between equals rather than a charity. Let’s be aware of who is the subject according to context. Let’s be aware immigrant people have so much to share and there is always so much to learn about colonialism, but it is not immigrants' duty to give free education. Let’s be aware that no one must prove to anyone that they are victims or good foreigners. Immigrants need to feel empowered and respected, not infantilized and pacified.

Let’s be aware that “refugee” is a status given by the system and so many people don’t fit into criteria or don’t choose this way of immigration because it is traumatizing – dehumanizing and hard. People use universities, job opportunities, marriages, tourist visas or any way in the system to run away from something. With the rising far right / anti-gender, more and more queer people are becoming exiled and travelling between countries with PTSD and no plan – career or “bucket lists”. There is no plan of EU for exiled queer activists, there is no special status, there is no safety and no heaven for us. Possibly in the future more activists will change their locations. Greece is also turning into a meeting point for exiled activists / artists and their relatives from Turkey and beyond. All these carries challenges as well as opportunities for Greece but lack of subject-centered policies, a mythological perception of Europe, a protectionist and closed approach, non-interaction is prevent this.

And let's be aware that human groups are not homogeneous. All blacks, all muslims, all lesbians etc. can’t be represent with a person. We are diverse and complex. Let's start celebrating this diversity with Queershallah events and start eating, chatting and dancing together – have more interaction. Celebrating our diverse holy days, mourning together, doing rituals, embracing our cultural practices, queerizing it or sharing it is political and anti-colonialist. Queershallah is a wish, a welcoming that I have been searching. Ftu,ftu,ftu Maşallah!

“We don't want the ghettos; we want the whole city.” -a queer slogan from Turkey

Ecem